Warning: This is a venting entry.
Am I the only woman who would gladly fore-go this pregnancy part and just get my baby delivered with a hand book telling me everything I need to do?
I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed the past day or two. And feeling this way leads to worse feelings- selfishness. I talk to women who ask how I'm feeling. "Oh, it varies. I'll be glad when this part is over!" I reply. And what does EVERYONE say? "Well, just remember that sweet spirit you're bringing into this world and it'll all be worth it."
How in the world could I forget that???
I am thrilled to be a mother and have my baby here with me. Terrified, but thrilled. I love my precious baby. I worry that I'm not doing things right during this time, that I don't eat the right things, do the right exercises, sleep enough (or in the right position, even!), stress too much... I want to be perfect for my little guy or girl.
But I am hating being pregnant.
1. My body is changing in ways that I have never been okay with and there is nothing I can do about it.
2. I'm sick at the most inconvenient times of the day. This also affects number 1, because I have had almost zero desire to exercise since I've felt so awful. I also feel like I'm constantly complaining. Everyone's favorite questions is, "How are you feeling?" Honestly, I want to eat everything in sight AND throw it all up at the same time. Oh, and I'm exhausted and cranky and emotional, and the more we talk about it, the more I want to cry because I am realizing how pathetic I sound. That's how I want to respond.
3. I'm exhausted.
4. I'm cranky.
5. I'm emotional.
6. I've been married 6 months and pregnant for 4. Do the math. I haven't even figured out how to be a wife, and I'm already going downhill. I feel awful for my husband, and so I get mad at myself, which makes him think he's done something wrong, which isn't the case at all, making me feel even worse. Then I just don't want to talk to him because I feel like such a failure of a woman. There is no way he can understand what I'm going through, and that is really hard for him. I'm so blessed to have a such a patient, sweet husband. Right now, I don't think he got so lucky, though.
I know I'm not the only one out there who has felt this way, or who is feeling this way at this very moment. I hope no one misunderstands and thinks that I'm resentful of my pregnancy because I'm not. I just hate who I am during pregnancy.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
14 Weeks
I haven't done very well keeping my blog up during the holidays!
Well, I'm now 14 1/2 weeks along and baby seems to be growing - at least by the change in my waistline. Brady gets excited when he sees my "baby bump" and even left a cute note about it on the table this morning. We're both nervous about all the changes that are taking place, and all the others that are headed our way, but it's all good stuff.
We told Brady's family a week or two before Christmas that we are expecting. It was a little unplanned, just like when we told my family. Sitting at Sunday dinner, Brady wasn't feeling well and mentioned it a few times. Someone joked and said, "Are ya pregnant?" He responded with, "No, but Blair is..." It took a moment or two for anyone to really respond; they thought it was a joke! Then the room erupted and there were some tears and hugs and jokes and then lots and lots of questions. haha It's been nice to have the news out. Especially since I'd been feeling so awful with "morning" sickness.
(Side note, whoever came up with that term was very misled.)
Since then, we've received some fun baby gifts for Christmas, been to the Dr. once again and I've gained about 5 pounds. Not too bad.
Brady brought to my attention today that our baby is due exactly 6 months from today! So weird! The time is going by fast... I'm so excited to find out if we're having a boy or girl so that I can start getting things and deciding on a nursery theme. At least colors.
We're struggling with names. No. We're struggling with girl names. We have all the little boy names pretty much figured out. Lots to choose from, anyway. But little girls are much harder... I like older names like Carolina, Camilla, Lillian. Hubs thinks they are old lady names. Which, I guess they are since they were more popular with the older generation. I just don't want to name a child something that will only be suitable for the first 11 years of its life. I'd rather give a name that needs to be grown into. Brady agrees, we just can't find the right one...
I've noticed that I have some viewers on here. I'd love feedback, so don't feel like a weirdo if you have a comment.
Well, I'm now 14 1/2 weeks along and baby seems to be growing - at least by the change in my waistline. Brady gets excited when he sees my "baby bump" and even left a cute note about it on the table this morning. We're both nervous about all the changes that are taking place, and all the others that are headed our way, but it's all good stuff.
We told Brady's family a week or two before Christmas that we are expecting. It was a little unplanned, just like when we told my family. Sitting at Sunday dinner, Brady wasn't feeling well and mentioned it a few times. Someone joked and said, "Are ya pregnant?" He responded with, "No, but Blair is..." It took a moment or two for anyone to really respond; they thought it was a joke! Then the room erupted and there were some tears and hugs and jokes and then lots and lots of questions. haha It's been nice to have the news out. Especially since I'd been feeling so awful with "morning" sickness.
(Side note, whoever came up with that term was very misled.)
Since then, we've received some fun baby gifts for Christmas, been to the Dr. once again and I've gained about 5 pounds. Not too bad.
Brady brought to my attention today that our baby is due exactly 6 months from today! So weird! The time is going by fast... I'm so excited to find out if we're having a boy or girl so that I can start getting things and deciding on a nursery theme. At least colors.
We're struggling with names. No. We're struggling with girl names. We have all the little boy names pretty much figured out. Lots to choose from, anyway. But little girls are much harder... I like older names like Carolina, Camilla, Lillian. Hubs thinks they are old lady names. Which, I guess they are since they were more popular with the older generation. I just don't want to name a child something that will only be suitable for the first 11 years of its life. I'd rather give a name that needs to be grown into. Brady agrees, we just can't find the right one...
I've noticed that I have some viewers on here. I'd love feedback, so don't feel like a weirdo if you have a comment.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Baby blobs and heartbeats
We had a little bit of a scare this week. I started spotting a teensy bit on Tuesday and kind of freaked out. I hesitated to tell my husband because I didn't want him to get worried if it was nothing, but I let him know anyway. He likes to know these things. Talked to the nurse, went in to have my blood drawn and tested, and all was well. Still, very unnerving for a day or two...
Today, however, we got an early Christmas gift.
I had my first prenatal exam scheduled, and was told that I'd get to hear my baby's heartbeat. The nurse did warn me that it might still be too early to hear anything, and not to worry if she wasn't able to find a pulse this time.
Hubby wanted to come along, and I was so glad. After the scare earlier this week, I really worried that we'd get bad news. I couldn't handle that alone. What in the world would I do??
I also wanted him there to experience this new little life with me.
The exam itself was a little weird. I'd had my girlie check-ups before, but I wondered if B would be uncomfortable watching another woman handle me like that... If he was, he sure hid it well. After I redressed, the nurse practitioner came back with her hand-held ultrasound and gelled me down.
The surprise?? We were going to actually SEE our baby!
She found the little guy really fast, and he (or she) is just a little jelly bean of a person, but he's (or she's) in there! We could see the little heartbeat just fluttering away. I was so amazed at how quickly life develops and that my husband and I had created something so... human!
The nurse then used a Doppler to find the heartbeat. It took a minute, but we heard it and she said it was a good, strong beat.
I was really emotional afterward, just thinking about this little guy (or girl) in me. It's all so much more real now, and there is so much I need to do to make sure this little person makes it here. My husband's already wanting to know if we can get another ultrasound, just to check on our baby now and then. haha We're already paranoid parents. :)
Today, however, we got an early Christmas gift.
I had my first prenatal exam scheduled, and was told that I'd get to hear my baby's heartbeat. The nurse did warn me that it might still be too early to hear anything, and not to worry if she wasn't able to find a pulse this time.
Hubby wanted to come along, and I was so glad. After the scare earlier this week, I really worried that we'd get bad news. I couldn't handle that alone. What in the world would I do??
I also wanted him there to experience this new little life with me.
The exam itself was a little weird. I'd had my girlie check-ups before, but I wondered if B would be uncomfortable watching another woman handle me like that... If he was, he sure hid it well. After I redressed, the nurse practitioner came back with her hand-held ultrasound and gelled me down.
The surprise?? We were going to actually SEE our baby!
She found the little guy really fast, and he (or she) is just a little jelly bean of a person, but he's (or she's) in there! We could see the little heartbeat just fluttering away. I was so amazed at how quickly life develops and that my husband and I had created something so... human!
The nurse then used a Doppler to find the heartbeat. It took a minute, but we heard it and she said it was a good, strong beat.
I was really emotional afterward, just thinking about this little guy (or girl) in me. It's all so much more real now, and there is so much I need to do to make sure this little person makes it here. My husband's already wanting to know if we can get another ultrasound, just to check on our baby now and then. haha We're already paranoid parents. :)
Friday, November 30, 2012
Morning sickness
This was the first Thanksgiving in my whole history that I actually lost weight. I'll admit, I was relieved... Although I did feel a twinge of guilt because I feel like my little fetus needs me to gain. On the other hand, at this point in the development I don't need to increase my calorie intake as long as I'm getting all the vitamins and nutrients my baby needs.
Well, last Tuesday was the first day it hit. Nausea. Major queasies. I only had a half-day of work, so I got through it, but the days to follow got worse and worse. Fortunately I had the week off for the holiday, so I could chill.
My family came to our little apartment for Thanksgiving this year. We were supposed to spend it with them down south, but my husband's work schedule made it impossible. So we hosted! I love to cook, so I did everything my the creamed potatoes. My mom's are the BEST. I didn't do all the desserts I'd planned though, because the thought of sugar and gooey goodness make me want to puke up all those healthy vitamin-rich veggies my baby needs.
During the dinner, my 7-year-old brother started going off on one of his random monologues. Something about "mommy-plus-daddy-plus-brother-plus..." equaling up to our family. It was cute, and I'd been trying to think of the perfect way to announce that I'm pregnant. So I went with it. I said, "You're forgetting someone...", and he'd start over, trying to figure out who he missed. Finally, dad, sitting in front of me, starts freaking out. "Are you REALLY???!!!!" It was the perfect reaction! He and mom both got all teary-eyed, my brother to my left was totally blown away, and the little 7-year-old still didn't get it. Dad pulled him over and whispered, "She's going to have a baby!" Little bro made a wide-eyed, open-mouthed double-take and ran over to hug me. So cute. :) That turned out perfectly!
So we finally announced it to my family, but we are waiting a little longer to tell my husband's family. So I'm still writing anonymously.
It has been really nice to be able to talk to my mom about all this and get help from her with morning sickness. I had no idea it would last all day, every day. I've read that it's a good sign that the baby is developing properly though, so I guess I'm grateful for it.
I took 2 days off after school started again. Monday and Tuesday. I felt awful both days, but made myself go back on Wednesday. To my surprise, staying busy all day actually really helps me feel good! I think that having something else to focus on is the trick. I wake up sick, but force myself to eat and drink something, then mostly just have crackers during the day, and a healthy early dinner. I start feeling sick again in the evening. Like right now... I've put back on like 1.6 pounds since I was my lowest last week, which is still less than I need to be right now. So I still feel like I look good.
I'm curious about what kind of exercise I can do. I know my mom was still running well into her pregnancy with my youngest brother. She jazzercized through her entire pregnancy with me and stayed little. I need to do something. I'm just so tired all the time.
My complexion is staying nice and clear though! That's been fun. And although it's kinda weird, the fact that my boobs are getting bigger is also fun. :)
Well, last Tuesday was the first day it hit. Nausea. Major queasies. I only had a half-day of work, so I got through it, but the days to follow got worse and worse. Fortunately I had the week off for the holiday, so I could chill.
My family came to our little apartment for Thanksgiving this year. We were supposed to spend it with them down south, but my husband's work schedule made it impossible. So we hosted! I love to cook, so I did everything my the creamed potatoes. My mom's are the BEST. I didn't do all the desserts I'd planned though, because the thought of sugar and gooey goodness make me want to puke up all those healthy vitamin-rich veggies my baby needs.
During the dinner, my 7-year-old brother started going off on one of his random monologues. Something about "mommy-plus-daddy-plus-brother-plus..." equaling up to our family. It was cute, and I'd been trying to think of the perfect way to announce that I'm pregnant. So I went with it. I said, "You're forgetting someone...", and he'd start over, trying to figure out who he missed. Finally, dad, sitting in front of me, starts freaking out. "Are you REALLY???!!!!" It was the perfect reaction! He and mom both got all teary-eyed, my brother to my left was totally blown away, and the little 7-year-old still didn't get it. Dad pulled him over and whispered, "She's going to have a baby!" Little bro made a wide-eyed, open-mouthed double-take and ran over to hug me. So cute. :) That turned out perfectly!
So we finally announced it to my family, but we are waiting a little longer to tell my husband's family. So I'm still writing anonymously.
It has been really nice to be able to talk to my mom about all this and get help from her with morning sickness. I had no idea it would last all day, every day. I've read that it's a good sign that the baby is developing properly though, so I guess I'm grateful for it.
I took 2 days off after school started again. Monday and Tuesday. I felt awful both days, but made myself go back on Wednesday. To my surprise, staying busy all day actually really helps me feel good! I think that having something else to focus on is the trick. I wake up sick, but force myself to eat and drink something, then mostly just have crackers during the day, and a healthy early dinner. I start feeling sick again in the evening. Like right now... I've put back on like 1.6 pounds since I was my lowest last week, which is still less than I need to be right now. So I still feel like I look good.
I'm curious about what kind of exercise I can do. I know my mom was still running well into her pregnancy with my youngest brother. She jazzercized through her entire pregnancy with me and stayed little. I need to do something. I'm just so tired all the time.
My complexion is staying nice and clear though! That's been fun. And although it's kinda weird, the fact that my boobs are getting bigger is also fun. :)
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Is this normal?
Since my husband and I still haven't announced our exciting news yet, I am going to be posting somewhat anonymously for a while. It's hard to not have anyone to talk to about all this though. I feel like there are already lots of hormonal changes taking place, but I can't ask anyone or I'll blow our cover!
It's maddening.
I've always been pretty level-headed, but lately I will randomly get so mad at absolutely nothing, and then feel so stupid about it. Because it IS stupid! Or I'll catch myself almost in tears watching that stupid Christmas Folgers commercial. You know the one - the older brother comes home from West Africa and the younger sister greets him at the door in her PJ's and they both get all sentimental about his homecoming. Very cute. Makes me miss my brothers. And all my future children who are going to grow up and leave me for West Africa. It's pathetic, really.
I also feel like my stomach isn't as flat as it was 2 weeks ago, although I weight exactly the same. My skin has become extremely dry around my mouth and I can't seem to remedy it. My boobs hurt ALLLLLL the time. And so does my lower back - I couldn't touch my toes today when I tried, and I am actually pretty flexible. I haven't taken a nap in ages, but I passed out on the couch for a good two hours the other day. Didn't even hear Brady come in from work AND leave again to run errands.
The good news? Besides the dry skin, my complexion actually looks pretty great!
Anyway, I have lots of questions.
What foods and vitamin supplements should I avoid? Brady thought to go through all my "healthy" vitamin supplements. Most of them I had to throw away because they are not recommended for nursing or pregnant women! I was shocked.
What kind of exercise and how much is safe for me to do?
How likely is miscarriage?
Are these symptoms I'm feeling all in my head or should I really be feeling them this early?
I have done quite a bit of online research, but I don't tend to trust much of what I read, and it's kind of confusing anyway. So I booked my first prenatal exam, hoping to get in soon and get some answers. They like to wait until the expectant mother has hit 8 or 9 weeks.
Maybe I'm not patient enough for this. 9 months is such a long time!!
It's maddening.
I've always been pretty level-headed, but lately I will randomly get so mad at absolutely nothing, and then feel so stupid about it. Because it IS stupid! Or I'll catch myself almost in tears watching that stupid Christmas Folgers commercial. You know the one - the older brother comes home from West Africa and the younger sister greets him at the door in her PJ's and they both get all sentimental about his homecoming. Very cute. Makes me miss my brothers. And all my future children who are going to grow up and leave me for West Africa. It's pathetic, really.
I also feel like my stomach isn't as flat as it was 2 weeks ago, although I weight exactly the same. My skin has become extremely dry around my mouth and I can't seem to remedy it. My boobs hurt ALLLLLL the time. And so does my lower back - I couldn't touch my toes today when I tried, and I am actually pretty flexible. I haven't taken a nap in ages, but I passed out on the couch for a good two hours the other day. Didn't even hear Brady come in from work AND leave again to run errands.
The good news? Besides the dry skin, my complexion actually looks pretty great!
Anyway, I have lots of questions.
What foods and vitamin supplements should I avoid? Brady thought to go through all my "healthy" vitamin supplements. Most of them I had to throw away because they are not recommended for nursing or pregnant women! I was shocked.
What kind of exercise and how much is safe for me to do?
How likely is miscarriage?
Are these symptoms I'm feeling all in my head or should I really be feeling them this early?
I have done quite a bit of online research, but I don't tend to trust much of what I read, and it's kind of confusing anyway. So I booked my first prenatal exam, hoping to get in soon and get some answers. They like to wait until the expectant mother has hit 8 or 9 weeks.
Maybe I'm not patient enough for this. 9 months is such a long time!!
Monday, November 12, 2012
The beginning.
I've been sooo excited to be a mother. So excited, in fact, that I anxiously took a pregnancy test - promising accurate results 6 days before your missed period - 8 days early. It was negative, of course, and I was so ashamed that I didn't even dispose of it in my own bathroom trash can for a few days... Secretly, I've been crushed the past couple months when those familiar and unpleasant symptoms arise. I've always dreamed about the reactions from my husband and family when I announce that I'm expecting. Always thought about creating something so special and sharing it with my best friend.
My husband and I were just married in July. July 19th in sunny (and blistering hot) St. George, Utah. We're both college graduates, have a few years in our careers and knew that we wanted children right away.
Well, we got our wish.
Monday, November 5th, I took a pregnancy test (this time just 2 days before my missed period). I couldn't believe it when a faint second line appeared. I didn't even know what to do. Brady was sitting on the couch, eating breakfast and watching the morning news. I sat down in my fuzzy over-sized bathrobe, the slightly-positive-but-still-undecided pregnancy test in my robe pocket. Casually, I asked, "So, just out of curiosity, if I WAS pregnant, would you want me to just tell you or come up with some cutesy way to do it?"
"Hmmm... I don't know. Why?"
"Well...", I reach into my pocket and am instantly reminded of how he similarly pulled a ring from his pocket just seven months earlier, "...because I just took a pregnancy test and it looks positive."
Total shock. "Let me see that!" With a huge smile, he takes it into the brighter light for a better look.
We spent a few minutes debating and doubting, since the second line was so faint... I told him I'd wait a couple days and then take another one to make sure. But we both already had our hopes so high.
Over the next couple days I had serious pregnancy symptoms. Terrible nausea, mostly, mixed with exhaustion, bloat and mood swings. Unfortunately these are also symptoms of PMS.
Thursday morning, November 8th, I woke up at 5:00 am desperately needing to pee. I thought this was the perfect time to take a test! My period hadn't started the day before, as planned, and I start and stop like clockwork.
So I did what needed to be done. Set the test on the counter. I couldn't look. Brady was so excited. I was so excited. The longest 3 minutes of my life finally passed. I looked at the test. Two. Solid. Lines. EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
It was still early, so I climbed back in bed and cuddled up to Brady. I didn't sleep, really. Just laid there, thinking about all the changes that were going to be happening. To our relationship, our careers, and especially my body. 6:00 rang in and Brady turned over to say good morning. "How'd you sleep?"
"I got up to use the bathroom and never fell back asleep."
"Why not?", he groggily asked.
"...Because I'm pregnant!", I whispered.
"What!!!!???" Again, total shock, then a big smile and kisses.
Yes, we're having a baby! We just found out FOUR days ago, but I want to chronicle every bit of it. This blog is not here for any sort of debate or critique, and I don't really care if I even end up with any followers. Just my memoirs for the next 9 crazy months of our life.
My husband and I were just married in July. July 19th in sunny (and blistering hot) St. George, Utah. We're both college graduates, have a few years in our careers and knew that we wanted children right away.
Well, we got our wish.
Monday, November 5th, I took a pregnancy test (this time just 2 days before my missed period). I couldn't believe it when a faint second line appeared. I didn't even know what to do. Brady was sitting on the couch, eating breakfast and watching the morning news. I sat down in my fuzzy over-sized bathrobe, the slightly-positive-but-still-undecided pregnancy test in my robe pocket. Casually, I asked, "So, just out of curiosity, if I WAS pregnant, would you want me to just tell you or come up with some cutesy way to do it?"
"Hmmm... I don't know. Why?"
"Well...", I reach into my pocket and am instantly reminded of how he similarly pulled a ring from his pocket just seven months earlier, "...because I just took a pregnancy test and it looks positive."
Total shock. "Let me see that!" With a huge smile, he takes it into the brighter light for a better look.
We spent a few minutes debating and doubting, since the second line was so faint... I told him I'd wait a couple days and then take another one to make sure. But we both already had our hopes so high.
Over the next couple days I had serious pregnancy symptoms. Terrible nausea, mostly, mixed with exhaustion, bloat and mood swings. Unfortunately these are also symptoms of PMS.
Thursday morning, November 8th, I woke up at 5:00 am desperately needing to pee. I thought this was the perfect time to take a test! My period hadn't started the day before, as planned, and I start and stop like clockwork.
So I did what needed to be done. Set the test on the counter. I couldn't look. Brady was so excited. I was so excited. The longest 3 minutes of my life finally passed. I looked at the test. Two. Solid. Lines. EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
It was still early, so I climbed back in bed and cuddled up to Brady. I didn't sleep, really. Just laid there, thinking about all the changes that were going to be happening. To our relationship, our careers, and especially my body. 6:00 rang in and Brady turned over to say good morning. "How'd you sleep?"
"I got up to use the bathroom and never fell back asleep."
"Why not?", he groggily asked.
"...Because I'm pregnant!", I whispered.
"What!!!!???" Again, total shock, then a big smile and kisses.
Yes, we're having a baby! We just found out FOUR days ago, but I want to chronicle every bit of it. This blog is not here for any sort of debate or critique, and I don't really care if I even end up with any followers. Just my memoirs for the next 9 crazy months of our life.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)